#1 Choose a beverage:
A. Red Bull
D. Chocolate Milk
E. Red Wine
F. Coffee, black
G. Tequila shots
H. A watered-down whiskey cocktail with clumps of muddled mint leaves sitting limp and forlorn at the bottom of a sweating glass.
#2 Choose a mode of transportation:
A. your best friend’s Jeep
B. teleportation or astral projection
C. an air-ship
D. your bike
E. a sleek, red convertible
F. a black town car
G. the subway
H. an old, maroon-colored jalopy with vulgar key marks down the entire length of the driver’s side body, which makes you think of nails on a chalkboard every time you open the door.
#3 Choose an outfit:
A. your best pair of jeans and a scoop-necked top
B. invisibility cloak
C. a three-piece suit, top-hat, and cane
D. your soccer uniform
E. a lacy teddy
F. a trench coat
G. a mini-skirt and f**k-me heels
H. a thick, wool cardigan which gives off an earthy, animal smell when you throw it on and head out for a slow, meandering walk through the misting rain.
#4 What are you probably doing on a Saturday morning?
A. Fighting with your mom
B. Setting out on a long and dangerous journey
C. Tinkering with your machines
D. Watching cartoons
E. Having “breakfast in bed” with the pool boy
F. Putting the pieces together
G. Regretting what you did last night
H. Staring out your fogged-up bedroom window, watching the light seep into the world and the dew evaporate from the grass as you wait for the worries of the night to crawl back into their hiding place at the back of your mind.
#5 What is one of the biggest problems you have faced or are currently facing?
A. Surviving high school
B. Surviving a zombie attack
C. Figuring out how to defeat your evil robot clone
D. Figuring out how to defeat a bully
E. Finding love
F. Finding your father’s murderer
G. Figuring out what you want to do with your life
H. Understanding the bittersweet complexities of the world – the way in which your life was like a spider’s web, perfect and complete, before a single fly tangled itself in the barely-visible lines, and how, despite the destruction it caused, you needed that fly to live, and so you are grateful for it, even now, as you begin from scratch, spinning out the silvery lines of silk to create your web once more.
IF YOU CHOSE MOSTLY….
A’s: Oh my god, your life is totally a Young Adult novel! It is filled with angst and drama and lots of dialogue. And when it’s over, you’ll have learned something about yourself, or maybe about life in general.
B’s: In time it will be revealed that your life is a Sci-Fi/Fantasy novel. You have wild adventures and know many interesting characters. After this life is over, there may likely be a sequel.
C’s: Great Scott! Your life appears to be a Steampunk novel! It is powered by strange machines and laced up tight like a corset.
D’s: Awesome! Your life is a Middle Grade novel. It isn’t too racy, and it’s pretty easy to understand.
E’s: Naughty you! Your life is a Romance novel. Handsome people, steamy affairs, and it’s sure to have a happy ending.
F’s: The clues point to one thing and one thing only: your life is a Mystery/Thriller. Watch your back and consider the evidence. It will all make sense in the end.
G’s: So I guess, basically, your life is a New Adult novel. You’re making the transition from teenager to adulthood and dealing with some pretty mature issues. Oh, and if you haven’t lost your virginity yet, you will soon.
H: After much digging in the deep, loamy soils of the soul, the answer was found, small and hard like an unripe turnip, and just as bitter: your life is Literary Fiction. It is filled with deep thoughts, intelligent observations, and subtle epiphanies. When it’s all over, you may ask yourself, what exactly happened, and should I pretend to have liked it?