High School Princess
I have a lot of issues with Rapunzel. I just don’t think she was very pretty. For one thing, she never cut her hair, so she probably had a ton of split ends. And, okay, so the wicked witch locked her up in a tower for years, right? I mean, I don’t know, maybe Rapunzel was doing pilates and squats up there, but I seriously doubt that. She was probably just sitting around, letting the cellulite build up on the backs of her thighs. And she definitely didn’t bathe very often, if at all. So by the time the handsome prince found her she was probably all greasy and smelling rank. I don’t get why he was all obsessed with her unless maybe he was just super horny.
Really, I don’t think any of the fairy tale princesses were cute. They’re all supposed to be “fair and creamy” or “rosy and dimpled” or “ripe and milky.” You know what that means? It means pale and chubby. Sure, they had the corsets holding them in, but as soon as they unlaced the strings, their guts probably pooched out in the front and their butts sagged down in back. Plus, you know they didn’t shave, so their legs and armpits were all hairy, and I don’t even want to think about their bikini areas. Gross.
And that’s just their bodies. Now think about their faces. There were no dermatologists or orthodontists back then. They didn’t even really have make-up. So all the princesses were probably covered in pimples and had crooked, yellow teeth and under-eye circles. I’m telling you, if Rapunzel came out of the past and showed up at my high school, she would be totally shunned. Of course, I’d be nice and take her under my wing. I’d make her cut her hair and get some highlights. I’d teach her how to pluck her eyebrows and wear lip gloss. We’d go tanning together, and I’d get her a consultation at the Clinique counter at the mall. Maybe I’d even help her get Pro-Active and some Invisalign for her teeth. And a gym membership.
I’d have to teach her about boys, too, of course. That around here, she’s not going to get any marriage proposals at fifteen. This is the modern age. You can’t just get guys to fall in love with you because you have long hair and a pretty singing voice. You have to make sure every part of you is perfect because that’s what boys expect these days. It’s what you have to do, and if you don’t, no one will like you. But girls are lucky because we have Pro-Active and Invisalign and mineral make-up and all that to help us out.
So anyway, I’ll tell Rapunzel that she has no excuse not to be pretty and perfect. After all, she’s a princess. It’s kind of like her job.